10 Types of Spammers and Why They’re All Evil Cyber Spawn

If “idle hands are the work of the devil,” then it looks like evil cyber spam spawn (ECSS) are being born by the second. At least they’re hoping to be.

That’s right. In a parallel universe—where there’s no red or blue pill but rather, a list of 1000 crappy mail-order generics—super lame (and some evil) spammers are waiting for their chance to come to life. And they’re in everybody’s inbox–that of travelers and non-travelers alike.

Why them? Why you?

I’m sure you know what it feels like to see their unapproved/unborn spam-labeled fetuses in your blog’s Comments section. Disappointed and annoyed—and perhaps slightly curious. Why, you wonder, would they think that you would fertilize or give birth to them?

Well, they see that part of your site as their future hatchery, or–if you will–a cozy womb of sorts. Fortunately, 99.9% of the time, Aksimet (if I had a kid, I’d name if after you, I swear) and other spam checkers, save the day and label them so that you can quickly delete them.

It is time to expose the ECSS for what and who they are so that no one accidentally allows them to be born. The reason? If you make that mistake just once, then they may replicate…quickly. And that would be a bad thing.

Here’s a list of ECSS types that I’ve found in my Comment box. In some cases, I provide an example of how they spam. In others (where we all know what the comment looks like), I don’t. In each, I offer my special “spamanalysis” and what I’d say to these spammers if I had the chance.

10 Types of Evil Cyber Spam Spawn (ECSS)

SPAM Shrine

1. Generic Pharma Sales Rep

Example: None needed. We’ve all seen it–the usual spam, that is. (I must admit that I wonder if anyone got repeat spam from one freak named John whose gravatrar looked like the bunny from Donnie Darko…I did. If you did, please send me a private message. You may have PTSD and require therapy.)

Reaction/Spamanalysis: This guy’s got more drugs than the local CVS or Walgreen’s. And know what? His spam is so boring (worse than the PDR) that I want to take a drug—a strong one–to numb myself from the agony of seeing his long list of crappy generics. Also, I need oxycodone to relieve my wrist pain from scrolling so much.

Where’s Dr. House when you need him?

My response: Why dontcha get a trade name for your drugs and while you’re at it, get a life!

Salesman

2. Chinese Porn Trickster

Example: Not allowed since this blog is on listed on FB and is PG 13 (well, parental supervision/guidance might be advised.)

Reaction/Spamanalysis: You see the characters and think—“How nice…someone in China is reading my blog.” But then, you look more closely and perhaps make the mistake of clicking. Surprise!

My Response: Yawn plus eye roll.

3. Dysfunctional Poet or Analolgy #Fail

Example: “Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”

Spamanalysis: I think he/she is mixing apples with oranges here. And PS: What the hell does this have to do with travel?

My response: Oh wait, maybe I see the connection. Ah yes–there’s an obscure allusion to a Guatemalan produce market from a not-yet-famous Mayan poet in there that I missed, right? If so, please enlighten me, oh great spammer/poet.

PS: How do you annoy me? Let me count the ways….

drunk poet

4. The Geek

Example: “If my porlbem was a Death Star, this article is a photon torpedo.” –Kaeden

Spamanalysis: I think his problem is not the photon torpedo in his pocket. It’s the fact that it’s actually a light saber (or maybe he’s just happy to see me or, better yet, his computer?).

My response: I’m not happy to see you–in my spam box or anywhere. Sure I liked Star Wars (I even played the video game a few times), and I know what html and CSS are. Also, I get the basics of quantum physics, but..I’m not interested in your fancy plugins, PHP and other ick that generally annoys me anyway.

Why don’t you and your fake Lord of the Rings name hyperspace yourselves back to hell…

Geeks and Gifts

5. The Flirtatious Flatterer

Example: “Yeah that’s what I’m tlaking about baby–nice work!”

Spamanalysis: He–at least I think it’s a ‘he’–has embedded flirtatious remarks within the spam. In this case, it was “baby”–a bit too intimate for our first interaction, dontcha think? And yes, it’s unrequited.

My response. Get a life, loser. You’re not picking me up in the spam pile of my website. It just ain’t romantic. No flowers or candles here. And I don’t care if you’re picking up the check. If you don’t get that, then we don’t have a chance (we didn’t anyway). I don’t care how cute you might be (you’re not) or funny your spam is (it isn’t).

PS: Learn how to spell. See Spammer #7.

6. The Brown Noser

Example: “Very nice & impressive article you have posted.. It’s very helpful Wonderful post, It is really not difficult to study your blog.. The information of your site is strictly wonderful & your blog structure is simple nice. So excellent … It’s a treasure for me to reading your blog..thanks.”

Spamanalysis: Butt kisser/idiot.

My response: Shut your pie hole!

Tina - such a  brown-noser

7. The Crappy Speller

Example: None needed. Reason? 99% of all spam falls under that category.

Spamanalysis: Laziness? Computer-generated messages? Poor translation by the same dude who writes from that African country where everyone has money to borrow or wire or whatever?

My response: Use spell check. Duh.

8. The Incoherent Rambler/Freudian Slipper

Example 1:Way to go on this essay, hlpeed a ton.’ Theresa

Spamanalysis: Is that a hippy with urinary incontinence? Whatever you are, please don’t pee on my post. I don’t post in your toilet. Thanks.

Example 2: Well put, sir, well put. I’ll cretanily make note of that. Mahaley

Spamanalysis: Freudian slip? Maybe he’s a cretin?

Responses? None really. They bored me that much. If I were to assign a grade, they’d both get Fs.

9. Sopranos Character

Example 1: Wham bam thank you, ma’am, my quetsoins are answered! Stew

Example 2: Badda boom, badda bing…

Spamanalysis: Um, not sure. Think he watches Sopranos? Likes violent movies?

My response: None. I don’t want to piss him off. I’d hate for him to go Joe Pesci on me and whack my site with a baseball bat or to infect it with malware or something like that.

wallpaper_mafia_01_1600

10. The Sicko-Psycho

Example 1: […]My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.[…]… Police Auction

Example 2: The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list. –Asthma Treatment Spammer

Spamanalysis: Ill. Really ill. And they’re probably from the same person. That’s right–one person with one serious personality disorder–a split personality.

Response to one/both: Um, I don’t think you need a second opinion. You’re a looney tune. Is the asthma treatment guy one of your alters? Or how about the psychiatrist? And hey–whaddaya gonna do–take my inhaler? Go ahead. I dare you. I’ll call the Generic Pharma Sales Rep Spammer. He’d be more than happy to replace it. I’m sure the price would be right, too.

Rather Scary Dude

So…what kind of spam do you tend to get…?

Do you get a lot of spam? What kind? Anything like what I’ve written about here? (Or am I just lucky?) If not, tell me/us about your most bizarre and/or unique one(s). Be sure to include your “spamanalysis” and “response.” If not, feel free to respond to one of mine. Let’s educate each other so that we don’t make the mistake of hitting “Approve Comment”…ever.

…and who do think is behind it?

Obviously, the spammers have too much time on there hands (I know–you might be thinking the same thing about me since I wrote this–LOL). My question is–who are they? What kind of people are they? Have any idea? Geeks or other types?

cama geek

Link Love

Special thanks to the photographers over on Flickr whose photos I borrowed for this post via Creative Commons. Click on a photo to see who deserves credit for it.

34 Responses to 10 Types of Spammers and Why They’re All Evil Cyber Spawn
  1. Lauren
    September 5, 2011 | 12:30 am

    Hahahahaha, so funny!!

    When I first created my site, I was not aware of the existence of spammers, so I went off and wrote my first post… And suddenly had all these people commenting saying “Wow, this site is amazing! I love this post! So informative”, and I’d approve them and reply saying “Oh, that’s so kind of you, thank you so much!”

    Such an idiot… 😀
    Lauren recently posted..The Beauty of Plitvice Lakes National ParkMy Profile

    • CB Driver
      September 5, 2011 | 12:34 am

      That’s hilarious, Lauren! Did you really thank them? They must have loved that.

      I remember seeing them, too. Some of them made me feel quite good–until I read about the penis enlargement and drugs in the link. Oh how disappointing it was! :)

  2. David Krug
    September 5, 2011 | 12:41 am

    Spammers are usually automated software programs sent to spam THOUSANDS if not hundreds of thousands of websites at a time.

    Just a bunch of geeks making millions unethically on spam because it still works.
    David Krug recently posted..The History of MazatlanMy Profile

    • CB Driver
      September 5, 2011 | 1:41 am

      Hi, David. Thanks for explaining. I do have one question–how do they make money exactly? I don’t quite get it.

  3. Mica
    September 5, 2011 | 3:10 am

    This is so funny- I just got a comment in my box yesterday that read: “The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list…”
    Not sure what that had to do with insects and butterflies in Malaysia, but hey. Spammers are dumb right?
    Mica recently posted..Inside the Perak Cave TempleMy Profile

    • CB Driver
      September 5, 2011 | 8:41 am

      Hi, Mica. You just got that one? Hmmm. He must be mass-spamming us. That’s one of the sickest, I think. Maybe he’s a serial killer who likes to torment insects/butterflies? You never know…

  4. David Krug
    September 5, 2011 | 5:58 am

    Spammers just build backlinks to their websites and do 301 redirects to their money sites. In fact affiliate sales of pharma products, online poker revenues, and the like is a multibillion dollar industry which is why spammers stay in the game.
    David Krug recently posted..What Living in Tijuana Taught MeMy Profile

    • CB Driver
      September 5, 2011 | 8:42 am

      So….they must be getting through in certain cases. You would think/hope people would delete them, but I guess sometimes they don’t. So lame. Anyway, I hit the delete button or just let them sit in the spam pile. They’re eventually deleted by WP, I think.

      Thanks for the info!

  5. Claire
    September 5, 2011 | 9:56 pm

    I don’t get much spam, thankfully. But what I do get when I view stats is hits from very random websites. Sites that sell cupcake wrappers or some sort of random technology, or addresses that are all numbers and letters-basically, sites that I have never linked to or visited. Spam I suppose?
    Claire recently posted..I Am Giving Away Some Lost Girls. Do You Want Them?My Profile

    • CB Driver
      September 5, 2011 | 10:29 pm

      Hi, Claire. Glad you don’t get it. It’s a pain in the neck sometimes. Right now, I’ve got 24 spam eggs in the hatchery!

      Sounds like those sites are probably spammers checking you out, getting ready for a possible visit… :)

  6. Aaron @ Aaron's Worldwide Adventures
    September 5, 2011 | 10:28 pm

    Hmmmm…I’ve been getting less and less spam as time goes on… But when I DO get spam, it tends to be the brown noser. And they’re totally just after the link, though I thought that WP comments were by default nofollow links… Hmmmm…

    Love the post btw! Too funny!
    Aaron @ Aaron’s Worldwide Adventures recently posted..How Travel to Laos Prepared Me For Natural DisastersMy Profile

    • CB Driver
      September 7, 2011 | 7:59 pm

      So you’re not getting as much spam as you did before? Hmmm. Maybe my blog titles are weird and that’s why I get so much? :) Interesting that you get the brown noser. Yeah, it’s all about the link, isn’t it?

      Glad you liked the post and got a good laugh out of it! :)

  7. Dalene
    September 7, 2011 | 11:46 am

    Hilarious! We disappointedly get very uninspiring and unfunny spam. I suppose that is a good thing…but now I wish we had a little more!
    Dalene recently posted..The “P” WordMy Profile

    • CB Driver
      September 7, 2011 | 8:01 pm

      Hi, Dalene. Your spam is not quite as spicy as this stuff? LOL I see. Well, maybe they’ll follow your CommentLuv link and head over there and get creative in your inbox! :) Even though it’s annoying to have to hit “delete,” I must admit that some of the spam is very entertaining.

  8. flipnomad
    September 8, 2011 | 12:44 am

    i received a spam that starts with … “Sorry I have to do this to feed my family.” then below that is a hundred or more links…
    flipnomad recently posted..How to Go to Siem Reap from Bangkok without Dying Inside the BusMy Profile

    • CB Driver
      September 8, 2011 | 8:31 pm

      Hi, Flip. Are you serious? That’s hilarious. I wonder how much he/she really gets out of it (when the backlink attempt is actually successful). I doubt it’s enough for that! :)

  9. Steve
    September 8, 2011 | 8:18 pm

    Oh, I know all these types. I seriously don’t know why they keep trying with me. I swear that one spammer tried 1000 times in a few days to get a comment through.

    After I switch to Cloudflare, I noticed a sharp decrease in spam comments. Even with that protection and the fact that I block the worst spammers, I still have to delete way too many every day. They truly are evil.
    Steve recently posted..What Would You Risk for a Once in a Lifetime Opportunity?My Profile

    • CB Driver
      September 8, 2011 | 8:34 pm

      Hi, Steve. You know these guys/gals? That’s so funny! Some of the others who commented had different ones or didn’t have spam problems to the extent I do. I wonder about them, too. Like–why keeping trying if you’re not getting anywhere?

      You switched to Cloudflare? I just heard of that a few days and was wondering about that. Has it sped up your site, too–or only protected it from spam, malware, etc? Just wondering. And oh yeah–they (the spam spawn) are evil–lol! :)

  10. Randy
    September 11, 2011 | 6:54 pm

    Ha, love your spamanalysis!
    Randy recently posted..P.S. I Love You Beth!My Profile

    • CB Driver
      September 11, 2011 | 10:15 pm

      LOL…glad you liked it, Randy. Thanks for stopping by. PS: Since I wrote this post, my spam numbers have doubled. :)

  11. Jocelyn
    September 28, 2011 | 12:09 pm

    I get these all and HATE them, ugh! I do love your analyses, though – hilarious!
    Jocelyn recently posted..Wordless WednesdayMy Profile

    • CB Driver
      September 28, 2011 | 10:51 pm

      You get them, too? LOL Crazy, right? Glad you enjoyed the analyses. I had a blast writing them! :)

      • Jocelyn
        September 29, 2011 | 9:16 am

        And apparently I’m way behind and just activated Akismet yesterday. Duh. Voila – they’re gone! :)
        Jocelyn recently posted..‘Tis the season!My Profile

        • CB Driver
          September 29, 2011 | 8:15 pm

          Are they? I have Askimet and I still get them. They do go to the “spam” pile, however. I go in and check to make sure a real comment’s not in there. Anyway, glad your site has been exorcised of those evil spawn-spammers! :)

  12. Valerie Hamer
    October 10, 2011 | 8:34 pm

    No spam for me at all so far, which probably means I’m not interesting or popular enough lol.

    Great article. Thanks for the chuckle on this foggy and blah morning.

    • CB Driver
      October 10, 2011 | 11:23 pm

      Hi, Valerie. Glad you enjoyed it and got a laugh out of it!

      Re: getting spam….they’re waiting in the hatchery. They’ll be there on your site soon enough. Why? Because they now see your link here. It’s that contagious! LOL

      • Valerie Hamer
        October 11, 2011 | 1:48 am

        Yikes. I will have to put the moderation back if that happens. Meanwhile I’m ready for em, and will report back with any news.

        • CB Driver
          October 11, 2011 | 7:45 pm

          Hi, Valerie. Yes, please let me/us know what happens. I’ll especially be interested in those spammers who disguise themselves! :)

  13. The Travel Fool
    October 30, 2011 | 9:03 pm

    I was getting a lot until I began using an anti spam plug in. I discovered a lot of them were coming from automated systems. Seems you can sign up, write something like “very useful information, I will bookmark your site so I can return often”then just click the link and it blasts out to several hundred blogs at once. Since downloading the plugin, no more spam.

    • CB Driver
      October 30, 2011 | 9:10 pm

      Thanks for sharing that info. I use Akismet and it helps by putting them in the spam pile. I didn’t know that there was a plugin that would really take care of them. Will look into that!

  14. fotoeins | Henry
    November 29, 2011 | 1:18 pm

    Wow, you’re so “lucky” to get such a variety of spam; I’ve “only” been getting #1, #5, #6, #7, and #8 – I’m halfway there! 😉

    My blog is hosted at wordpress.com, and the Akismet anti-spam filter is very effective, although I still have to check manually that the comments are indeed spam. On the other hand, there’s something that feels really good about being able to select the spam and clicking on “Delete Permanently”.

    While I was reading your post, the chanting from the Monty Python skit came immediately to the fore: SPAM SPAM SPAM …

    Thanks for the (evil) smile, and for your post, Lisa!
    fotoeins | Henry recently posted..Hanging out at the top of Germany, 3 of 4My Profile

    • CB Driver
      November 30, 2011 | 11:39 am

      Hi, Henry. Yes, I’m very lucky–LOL! Perhaps you’ll get more if you switch over to wordpress.org? I use Akismet, too. LIke you, I enjoy clicking “delete.” Life’s simple pleasures, right? :)

      Yes–spam, spam, spam! He, he, he.

      Glad you enjoyed the post and had a laugh. Awesome!

  15. Kay Shaw
    December 10, 2011 | 7:54 pm

    Hmmm. I love this post!

    • CB Driver
      December 11, 2011 | 8:13 am

      Hi, Kay. I noticed that your CommentLuv link was to a spammy site. Are you one of the spammers I’ve written about? If so, thanks for making it real. Perhaps I’ll put cancer and acne cure freaks on the next list!

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