I don’t know about you, but when I read one of my trusty indie travel guides (Lonely Planet, Rough Guides, Let’s Go, etc.), I sometimes chuckle. Why?
Well, I’ve been using them so long now that I usually know what they’re really saying—regardless of how much they try to dance around or soften things (not saying I blame them, of course).
(Disclaimer: This is a humorous post.)
Here’s my take on what they say vs what they really mean in 7 different categories. If you have any to share, leave it below in the Comments section. Perhaps I’ll add it to the list for all to see!
1. General Costs
What They Say
Country X is less affordable than its neighbor, Country Y. With some effort, you can get by on less than $75 a day. You might consider shopping and preparing a picnic lunch to cut costs.
What They Mean
You’ll probably have to spend $75 a day to make your stay tolerable. If you’re backpacker on a budget, you’re going to feel like one—meaning, poor! Also, you won’t be able to stay for long.
2. Transportation
What They Say
Buses are cheap and frequent; however, the comfort level may not be on par with Country X’s more developed neighbors. Travel to mountainous regions, often on unpaved roads, may be challenging. Finding a seat may be difficult.
What They Mean
Your butt will be on a crowded chicken bus (or another country’s equivalent) for 17 hours and it will stop every 10 minutes in tiny villages on a treacherous roller coaster-like ride that’s bumpy as hell. If you’re a women, wear a sports bra. If you’re a man? Briefs. For both genders? Pack a barf bag.
Bonus tip: Consider taking Dramamine for motion sickness!
3. Immunizations
What They Say
Travel immunizations, some of which may be costly, are strongly recommended for those visiting for jungle and coastal regions of Country X as it is possible to contract certain diseases. Consult the CDC website and/or your travel MD several months in advance of travel.
What They Mean
Don’t be a fool; make sure you’re up to date on those very expensive shots for diseases, etc. that were eradicated in many countries long ago and the other (rare) but super scary modern ones. If not, well–you could get sick. Really sick. Like this guy, who’s having a really bad hair (and overall) day! (Mumps, actually.)
4. Touts ‘n’ Tour Guides
What They Say
Upon your arrival at Monument X, Temple Y or Castle Z, you’ll be greeted by touts eager to make a sale, as well as guides whose quality varies significantly. Check credentials before agreeing to a tour.
What it Means
The touts are going to be super aggressive maniacs who stick to you like Crazy Glue (think: Egypt during high season). Also, the cheap guides are going to suck. Most will speak LTGE—limited tour guide English. The kind where they regurgitate memorized paragraphs in a monotonous tone that will make you want to bang your head against the monument’s walls.
Bonus tip: Get a real guide OR spring for the audio guide.
5. Accommodations
What They Say
Rooms at Hotel X are affordable, but utilitarian, functional and somewhat lacking in decor. The tacky pink paint, peeling or worn away, matches the carpets, however. Walls and mattress may be a bit thin.
What They Mean
The place was previously a brothel and has been converted into what is now a cheap hotel. Good news–they did it just for you! It’s in your price range! Should you stay, though? No–only do it if it’s late, you’re desperate or you’re running low on money.
Bonus tip: Run for the hills! Or keep looking if you can…or consider a timeshare. Might be a better deal in the long run!
My accommodation in Mardin, Turkey–cheap but crappy and by far, the worst place I stayed at during a month-long trip.
6. Travel Advisories
What They Say
Check the latest news and advice before traveling–and especially with your country’s travel advisory listing or embassy/consulate.
What They Mean
Something really unpleasant–a natural disaster or act of violence–recently happened (eg, an earthquake, a terrorist attack, violent protests, etc.) Go at your own risk. It may be limited to one region, but you should be cautious anyway.
7. Hiking: Safety and Difficulty
What They Say
The trail from the center of town to the top of the nearby mountain is lovely but not well-frequented. It is also steep. Those who are not athletic might want to consider an alternative.
What They Mean
The trail is gorgeous but sort of creepy due to the absence of other people. You’ll probably get jumped on your way up. And if you’re over 35 and out of shape, fuggedaboutit! You won’t be able to make it. Go for the non-athletic type alternative–a donkey, a horse, a cable car or a train. And use a damn money belt!
Your Thoughts/Experiences/Suggestions?
Which of the 7 common indie “travel guide euphemisms” have you come across during your travels? Tell us which one/s you’ve experienced and what happened as a result. How did you feel about it at the time?
Are there any euphemistic gems that you can add to the list? What’s your all-time favorite? If you share one, please tell us what you read vs the reality of the situation/place and consider using bold, italics or quote marks to identify the key phrases. Thanks!