If “idle hands are the work of the devil,” then it looks like evil cyber spam spawn (ECSS) are being born by the second. At least they’re hoping to be.
That’s right. In a parallel universe—where there’s no red or blue pill but rather, a list of 1000 crappy mail-order generics—super lame (and some evil) spammers are waiting for their chance to come to life. And they’re in everybody’s inbox–that of travelers and non-travelers alike.
Why them? Why you?
I’m sure you know what it feels like to see their unapproved/unborn spam-labeled fetuses in your blog’s Comments section. Disappointed and annoyed—and perhaps slightly curious. Why, you wonder, would they think that you would fertilize or give birth to them?
Well, they see that part of your site as their future hatchery, or–if you will–a cozy womb of sorts. Fortunately, 99.9% of the time, Aksimet (if I had a kid, I’d name if after you, I swear) and other spam checkers, save the day and label them so that you can quickly delete them.
It is time to expose the ECSS for what and who they are so that no one accidentally allows them to be born. The reason? If you make that mistake just once, then they may replicate…quickly. And that would be a bad thing.
Here’s a list of ECSS types that I’ve found in my Comment box. In some cases, I provide an example of how they spam. In others (where we all know what the comment looks like), I don’t. In each, I offer my special “spamanalysis” and what I’d say to these spammers if I had the chance.
10 Types of Evil Cyber Spam Spawn (ECSS)
1. Generic Pharma Sales Rep
Example: None needed. We’ve all seen it–the usual spam, that is. (I must admit that I wonder if anyone got repeat spam from one freak named John whose gravatrar looked like the bunny from Donnie Darko…I did. If you did, please send me a private message. You may have PTSD and require therapy.)
Reaction/Spamanalysis: This guy’s got more drugs than the local CVS or Walgreen’s. And know what? His spam is so boring (worse than the PDR) that I want to take a drug—a strong one–to numb myself from the agony of seeing his long list of crappy generics. Also, I need oxycodone to relieve my wrist pain from scrolling so much.
Where’s Dr. House when you need him?
My response: Why dontcha get a trade name for your drugs and while you’re at it, get a life!
2. Chinese Porn Trickster
Example: Not allowed since this blog is on listed on FB and is PG 13 (well, parental supervision/guidance might be advised.)
Reaction/Spamanalysis: You see the characters and think—“How nice…someone in China is reading my blog.” But then, you look more closely and perhaps make the mistake of clicking. Surprise!
My Response: Yawn plus eye roll.
3. Dysfunctional Poet or Analolgy #Fail
Example: “Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Spamanalysis: I think he/she is mixing apples with oranges here. And PS: What the hell does this have to do with travel?
My response: Oh wait, maybe I see the connection. Ah yes–there’s an obscure allusion to a Guatemalan produce market from a not-yet-famous Mayan poet in there that I missed, right? If so, please enlighten me, oh great spammer/poet.
PS: How do you annoy me? Let me count the ways….
4. The Geek
Example: “If my porlbem was a Death Star, this article is a photon torpedo.” –Kaeden
Spamanalysis: I think his problem is not the photon torpedo in his pocket. It’s the fact that it’s actually a light saber (or maybe he’s just happy to see me or, better yet, his computer?).
My response: I’m not happy to see you–in my spam box or anywhere. Sure I liked Star Wars (I even played the video game a few times), and I know what html and CSS are. Also, I get the basics of quantum physics, but..I’m not interested in your fancy plugins, PHP and other ick that generally annoys me anyway.
Why don’t you and your fake Lord of the Rings name hyperspace yourselves back to hell…
5. The Flirtatious Flatterer
Example: “Yeah that’s what I’m tlaking about baby–nice work!”
Spamanalysis: He–at least I think it’s a ‘he’–has embedded flirtatious remarks within the spam. In this case, it was “baby”–a bit too intimate for our first interaction, dontcha think? And yes, it’s unrequited.
My response. Get a life, loser. You’re not picking me up in the spam pile of my website. It just ain’t romantic. No flowers or candles here. And I don’t care if you’re picking up the check. If you don’t get that, then we don’t have a chance (we didn’t anyway). I don’t care how cute you might be (you’re not) or funny your spam is (it isn’t).
PS: Learn how to spell. See Spammer #7.
6. The Brown Noser
Example: “Very nice & impressive article you have posted.. It’s very helpful Wonderful post, It is really not difficult to study your blog.. The information of your site is strictly wonderful & your blog structure is simple nice. So excellent … It’s a treasure for me to reading your blog..thanks.”
Spamanalysis: Butt kisser/idiot.
My response: Shut your pie hole!
7. The Crappy Speller
Example: None needed. Reason? 99% of all spam falls under that category.
Spamanalysis: Laziness? Computer-generated messages? Poor translation by the same dude who writes from that African country where everyone has money to borrow or wire or whatever?
My response: Use spell check. Duh.
8. The Incoherent Rambler/Freudian Slipper
Example 1: ‘Way to go on this essay, hlpeed a ton.’ Theresa
Spamanalysis: Is that a hippy with urinary incontinence? Whatever you are, please don’t pee on my post. I don’t post in your toilet. Thanks.
Example 2: Well put, sir, well put. I’ll cretanily make note of that. Mahaley
Spamanalysis: Freudian slip? Maybe he’s a cretin?
Responses? None really. They bored me that much. If I were to assign a grade, they’d both get Fs.
9. Sopranos Character
Example 1: Wham bam thank you, ma’am, my quetsoins are answered! Stew
Example 2: Badda boom, badda bing…
Spamanalysis: Um, not sure. Think he watches Sopranos? Likes violent movies?
My response: None. I don’t want to piss him off. I’d hate for him to go Joe Pesci on me and whack my site with a baseball bat or to infect it with malware or something like that.
10. The Sicko-Psycho
Example 1: […]My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.[…]… Police Auction
Example 2: The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list. –Asthma Treatment Spammer
Spamanalysis: Ill. Really ill. And they’re probably from the same person. That’s right–one person with one serious personality disorder–a split personality.
Response to one/both: Um, I don’t think you need a second opinion. You’re a looney tune. Is the asthma treatment guy one of your alters? Or how about the psychiatrist? And hey–whaddaya gonna do–take my inhaler? Go ahead. I dare you. I’ll call the Generic Pharma Sales Rep Spammer. He’d be more than happy to replace it. I’m sure the price would be right, too.
So…what kind of spam do you tend to get…?
Do you get a lot of spam? What kind? Anything like what I’ve written about here? (Or am I just lucky?) If not, tell me/us about your most bizarre and/or unique one(s). Be sure to include your “spamanalysis” and “response.” If not, feel free to respond to one of mine. Let’s educate each other so that we don’t make the mistake of hitting “Approve Comment”…ever.
…and who do think is behind it?
Obviously, the spammers have too much time on there hands (I know–you might be thinking the same thing about me since I wrote this–LOL). My question is–who are they? What kind of people are they? Have any idea? Geeks or other types?
Link Love
Special thanks to the photographers over on Flickr whose photos I borrowed for this post via Creative Commons. Click on a photo to see who deserves credit for it.